


Mary Sue Plays Cupid

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-14
Updated: 2006-03-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 13:59:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12727911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: A mysterious stranger gives Sam and Jack some advice.





	Mary Sue Plays Cupid

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: I am SO not a shipper.  


* * *

It was a dark and stormy night in Colorado Springs. Mary Sue Exposition entered O'Malley's. Spotting the only available seat, she sat down next to a dejected looking couple. Mary Sue couldn't help but notice the aura of romantic tragedy surrounding the pair. The two introduced themselves. The woman's name was Sam, the man was called The Colonel. 

"So why are you guys so down in the dumps?" Mary Sue inquired 

"The Colonel and I are deeply in love, but we can't act on our feelings. We're doomed lovers, endlessly tortured because our love cannot be, Sam said, radiating gloom, despair and misery. 

"Why can't your love be?," Mary Sue asked, puzzled. 

"We're Air Force officers. Also we're members of the same unit. Although my IQ is 100 points higher than his, The Colonel is nominally my superior officer and as such, he's off limits," Sam replied. 

The Colonel looked slightly peeved when he heard Sam make that IQ crack. Completely untrue, he thought, her IQ was only 85 points higher than his. All right, maybe 90 points higher. 

"So what you're saying is, the only reason you two can't be together is because you're on the same team," Mary Sue said. 

"Yes," Sam sighed. "The cruel, heartless regulations force us to be apart". 

"Apart? You just said that you belong to the same unit. Don't you two see each other every day?" Mary Sue asked reasonably. 

"We see each other, but our true feelings must be hidden from the world. There's no possible solution, so we just have to suffer. It's so sad," Sam whined in reply. 

"How long has this been going on?" Mary Sue asked curiously. 

"Five years, five long, miserable years filled with nothing but suffering and torment. Each day we're forced to bear the agony of seeing each other, so near, but yet so far. All we have to look forward to is more heartbreak," Sam replied. One perfect tear trickled down her cheek. The Colonel's face bore an expression of stoic, manly, suffering. 

"Well, here's a thought, TRANSFER TO A DIFFERENT TEAM," Mary Sue snapped. 

"What," Sam gasped in shock. 

"You heard me blondie. Ask for a different assignment, or if that doesn't pan out, leave the Air Force and get a new job," Mary Sue snarked. "I can't believe it never once occurred to you. Hey, if you're so smart, how come you didn't think of that yourself?" 

"I, uh, uh," Sam spluttered. 

Meanwhile The Colonel sat like a lump, flabbergasted. Mary Sue began to suspect Sam had actually overestimated his IQ by a few points. 

"We can't do that," Sam finally said. 

"Why not, what's stopping ya?," Mary Sue asked. "People change jobs all the time. Are you sure you're really in love?" 

"Of course we're in love, we'd die for each other," The Colonel protested. 

"Let me get this straight, Flyboy. You're so much in love that you'd willingly sacrifice your lives for each other, but at the same time neither one of you is willing to change your career plans a bit so that you can be together. Am I the only one who spots the contradiction in that?" Mary Sue asked. 

"Uh Carter, help me out here," The Colonel pleaded. Carter gave Mary Sue an evil look. 

"So basically, the only thing keeping the two of you apart are the career choices you made of your own free will. It seems to me that the only obstacle in the path of your `true love' is the two of you. You do realize that all this angst is self-created, don't you?," Mary Sue said. 

"Geez, when you put it like that, it doesn't seem quite so romantic," Sam complained. "You make it sound like we're a couple of self-involved, histrionic idiots, not heartbreakingly tragic figures." 

"Well, if the shoe fits," Mary Sue said, shrugging. "It's really drafty in here," she said, pulling her sweater around her shoulders. 

"Oh, that's not a draft, it's the invisible spirit of this guy who used to work with us. Even though he moved on to a higher plane of existence, he still likes to follow us around and hang out in the air conditioning ducts wherever we go," The Colonel said happily. "I like knowing he's still around." 

"Riiiight, I suppose the fact that someone just opened the door has nothing to do with the sudden blast of cold air," Mary Sue said. "Well, it's been real people, but I must be going. Good luck with the doomed romance," she said, slowly edging away from them. "Oh yeah, I'll sleep so much better now, knowing those two are handling our nation's defense," she thought sarcastically.


End file.
